Setting boundaries with people
Congratulations! If you’re reading this article, then you recognize the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with others in your life. Depending on your upbringing, this may not be easy nor comfortable for you to accomplish.
Even so it can be done.
And truth be told, there are times in everyone’s lives when it must be done for you to be able to live your best life. Otherwise, you’re kind of living other people’s lives by allowing yourself to be manipulated by them.
Of course, that’s the extreme end of the spectrum of course, but many of us avoid setting boundaries with others and settle for unnecessary stress and frustration in our own lives as a result.
Boundaries are Healthy
Setting boundaries that are healthy for you as an individual is the first step. You must determine what you need and communicate your needs clearly and effectively so that your needs are understood properly.
Whether or not the receiver of the message is willing or able to give you what you need is another story. Often times, things can get a bit challenging before they get better.
For example, you may have a difficult friend or family member who takes advantage of you in some way. Precedents have been set along the way and frankly, you don’t want to rock the boat. I get it.
Sometimes that may even be the right call, and sometimes it’s totally the wrong choice for you and your spirit. Only you know the difference and when it is time to draw the line in the sand and stick up for your wants and needs.
Trust Your Intuition
Trust your intuition on this! Do not ignore it if a particular situation constantly makes you feel angry and frustrated. Acknowledge it and do something proactive about it if you can.
If you decide it’s time to set a maintain interpersonal boundaries, keep in mind the following tips. If healthy boundaries weren’t set and maintained from the beginning of a relationship, there is likely going to be some pushback from whoever had the upper hand in the situation.
In this way, human beings are just like children.
How to handle people who pushback
We get away with whatever we can for as long as we can do so. Enter the “pushback” behaviors. Those who have had unwelcome boundaries thrust upon them often “push back” to defend their power and their preferences and may engage in any of the following behaviors to restore the status quo in the relationship:
- Manipulative behaviors
- Guilt-inducing behaviors
- Distancing behaviors
- Argumentative behavior
- Threatening behaviors, in extreme cases
For example, let’s say you’ve been providing transportation to a friend who doesn’t own a car. You thought it would be a temporary situation but it’s turned into a long-term thing. It no longer works and is creating a lot of stress for you and your family.
You consider the circumstances and decide to tell your friend she needs to find another option by next month. Suddenly your friend becomes very emotional, crying often and appealing to your sense of compassion. You start to feel bad and consider keeping things as is because it’s uncomfortable now.
Then you talk to your husband and he reminds you that you simply can’t afford to do this favor anymore, never mind the extra stress that it causes in your weekly schedule. You tell your friend again that you can no longer assist her transportation. Now she gets very angry and rather rude to you.
What to do when feathers get ruffled
Frankly, it gets ugly! Feathers get ruffled. Your friend has escalated her behavior in hopes of getting you to change your decision. This is an example of typical pushback behaviors.
It is absolutely essential that you hold your ground. If you experience these behaviors. Just like a kid who is having a temper tantrum, you need to stay strong until they calm down.
Now that you know ahead of time what may occur, identify and practice a couple of “I ” statements that you can repeat as often as necessary.
In the above example, you could say something like this…
” I am sorry but I simply can no longer help you.”
Or “I know you don’t like this idea, but I need to reduce my stress so I can no longer give you rides.”
Learn to Hold Your Ground
If you stick to your guns and hold your ground most healthy people will come around and realize that it was time for a change.
Many people are simply feeling stressed themselves and haven’t thought through the impact of their behaviors upon others to the fullest degree until someone speaks up about it.
But there are others who fall into the category of those with truly narcissistic tendencies. These folks don’t have the capacity nor the desire to understand or respect your needs.
If things do not work themselves out in a reasonable amount of time, then you may be dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies.
In that case, sadly, you are better off having less interaction with them because your needs never even get onto the menu.
Communicate your needs
Anyhow, please don’t let this information scare you off from fighting for whatever it is that you truly need in your relationships. Sticking up for yourself by communicating your needs and fighting for them will give you a healthy dose of genuine self-respect.
That is invaluable! It will also encourage others in your life to develop a greater respect for you. If someone is able to take advantage of you, they are not capable of respecting you because you’re allowing it to happen.
Why should they respect you when you don’t have the courage to respect yourself? When you set and maintain appropriate interpersonal boundaries, all of these shifts. You know it, your body knows it and your spirit knows it. This has significant health implications.
It is much better for your health and your well-being to communicate and fight for your true needs. And the other people in all life notice the seismic shift in you as well. This discourages future bull**** from coming in your direction.
This is another big win for you! Wishing you all the best!
